I have to believe that there are guys out there that are in the same situation as me. Those that are in the middle. Those that aren’t at the end, but you aren’t at the very tip of the iceberg anymore either.

Maybe you have come out and started to socially transition. Maybe some of your friends and family even call you by your preferred name and pronouns. Maybe some don’t. Maybe none of them do. You aren’t on testosterone yet, which is a huge step, and this is assuming you want to be. You have no idea how or when you’re going to get top surgery. You just are going through the motions and feeling like this whole long process is never going to end. Does this sound like you? Because I know it sounds like me.

I’ve come out to everyone. It started slow. I had to realize it myself first, and once I had started to accept that as my reality, I came out to my mother and sister. Then I moved onto my best friend, then my husband, my kids, my sister in law, an online community that I am highly active on. It remained as only them for a few months, but after Donald Trump was elected president, and several of my friends on FB had voted for him, I felt that my voice needed to be heard. I needed people to see that they knew someone that was going to be affected. So I came out on Facebook. My mother told my grandmother. It is all out there. I am Trent.

Though, no one wants to call me that. No one wants to use male pronouns. To everyone, I am still a girl. Still Brittany. Still waiting to get on T. Still making plans for how to even afford top surgery. I am still going through all of this with transition, and feeling like I am getting nowhere. I feel like there is no light, and I am blindly moving through the darkness, clinging to any small ledges of hope I can find.

Now I will probably be controversial on this view, but I am really not that angry with people not calling me Trent, or him. For now. I understand. I don’t pass at all. It is hard for them to see me as a man, when outwardly I do not appear as one, no matter what I do. I feel like a man, and I feel like Trent, but they aren’t seeing it. I also understand that it is hard for those, like my mother, to change what she has been calling me my entire life. So I am patient on that front. They are all trying. They have all voiced their attempts at trying. I would honestly prefer that no pronouns be used if they can’t say he. Just don’t call me she. Use B, or T as my name. Do something other than using a name I no longer go by. Use something other than female pronouns, because it does bring me down. I know it is not their intentions though.

My online community is fantastic. They hardly ever slip up, and they knew me over a year before I came out as trans to them. I escape my reality a lot through that site, and bask in the proper use of he/him/his. I even get called Trent sometimes, even though I have a unisex username. The site is like my home away from home, and somewhere I feel I am 100% accepted and able to finally be me.

It is one of those ledges in this dark tunnel of depression.

Yep, the D word has come out. I know that most, if not all, of us struggle with depression through this whole ordeal. Why wouldn’t we? It is depressing to feel this way. It is depressing to dream of being a man, only to wake up and find out you are still stuck in a body that makes everyone see you as a woman. It is depressing to think there is no hope because you are stuck in the middle and can’t see the end.

Today is one of those days for me. I’ve been going through my transition since the beginning of August. So, for me, it hasn’t been very long. However, it feels like forever. I’ve made some strides, and I actually have a light at the end of the tunnel. I am supposed to get on T in March or April, which is huge! However, it all feels so far away. I have no idea idea how I am going to afford top surgery, or the travel I will possibly have to do. I have no idea how or when I should get my name legally changed. I am just… floating. Lost. Scared. Angry. Depressed. It all feels like so much, and most of the time it feels completely unobtainable.

So for all my brothers out there, walking this dark tunnel, or left to float out at sea, you’re not alone. I am right there with you, and together, we will get through this. We will find our way through the darkest parts of our lives, and we will find that light. When we do, that light will wash out all of the darkness, and leave us with our trueselves.

Trent Xenos

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