I see a lot of posts within the community, a lot of comments, and a lot of the same feelings being expressed. Among these is the feeling of jealousy and resentment for those that have progressed further in their transition. Whether it’s starting hormones, getting surgery, or being accepted by their family and friends.
I’m worried that this will turn into a reason the community is perpetually dividing itself.
It’s okay to be jealous that someone else’s life appears to be easier. I’ve been there, I remember seeing guys who had progressed further along my personal goals then I had. I remember feeling a mixture of mad and sad it wasn’t happening fast enough or here already. I had a hard time being excited for them because I felt like I was losing compared to them.
I’ve heard stories from close trans men friends about times when someone has been extremely rude to them, and they were able to be upfront later on about how it was just because he’d been on hormones and the other guy hadn’t yet and it made him angry.
Honestly, it was starting my own transition and getting to those points that alieviated those feelings but I wish that it had happened before. I didn’t transition as fast as I wanted to but I did small things towards who I wanted to become, like picking a first and middle name… Researching hairstyles and men’s fashion… Telling a close friends… Those things kept me sane until I could start the bigger things.
A common phrase “the grass is always greener” is so popular because it extends across all human experiences. Envy and jealousy are natural emotions and social sharing has definitely exacerbated those emotions because it’s easy to also get caught up in competitive behavior.
There are a lot of things you can remind yourself now while reading this, but when the green eyed monster pops up, your emotional response will override anything you’ve learned here and you’ll be tempted to project your own limitations and frustrations on to others. You’ve got to understand that you’re not the only one with them. Your feelings are valid, but your frustrations are based on your own limitations and obstacles and not someone else. Most of the time these obstacles are out of your control, and this can make them even bigger frustrations. If they’re extreme enough to be targeting strangers, there is nothing wrong in seeking a therapist to talk these emotions out with.
There is something wrong in transitional hierarchy and we must remember that everyone is going to transition differently based on desire and restrictions.
Being able to say “You look great man! I can’t wait to see these results someday” instead of “I hate you” is called maturity and is the result of a healthy mindset. If you’re bashing people you don’t know online, there may be some work you need to be doing personally to clean up your head space.